Calm and Comfortable

It seems Mom has had a pretty good night.

She is currently sleeping comfortably on her side. She hasn't had a waking nightmare since Thursday. We are trying to actually prevent that by giving her an injection called Nozinan through a port in her leg.

When I came up this morning at around 5am Mom was sleeping on her back and breathing a little weird. She would make a snoring noise, take a bunch of shallow breaths, then catch herself, taking a big one and start over. Since Maggie and I turned her onto her side her breathing has been very even and regular.

We are again considering Lisaard House, as Mom hasn't really declined in a few days. Her stability and potential to have even more time makes us all think that she deserves to be in a place where they will take excellent care of her. We kept her at home, thinking that we would be able to cover the base needs of comfort for a day or two, but she is defying the expectations.

In this time, we have done our best, but she still developed painful sores. We have all been attempting to stay up with Mom in shifts through the night in case there are any changes, but is has been a challenge. At Lisaard, even though I will stay with her all day long, at least I can get a full sleep knowing that nurses will check on her regularly.

We may not be able to get in because their beds are full and there is a waiting list, but we will try anyway. Although Mom is able to communicate with us sometimes, she still doesn't seem to realize where she is. Therefore, I don't think she will have any anxiety over not being "at home" as she had wished.

I still very much enjoy my time with Mom, and although she barely resmbles the woman I have always known as my mother, I love her very deeply and still love to look at her and be in her presence. Her personality still shines through at times and that makes me happy. But even when she is just sleeping I love to be with her.

I haven't felt sad in a long time. There are a million sad thoughts to be had, and they do occasionally slip into my mind, ex. "I won't get to have my mom with me at my wedding", or "My children will never know this awesome woman that they would call Gramma". But for the most part I think it's a waste of time to dwell on those sad things and I quickly lose that sense of doom and gloom. Then I go back to appreciating each moment she is still with me.

I hope all of you who visited have enjoyed spending time with Mom and that those of you who can't get some comfort from reading these messages from my sisters and me. I know there are hard times ahead and updates may not be so rosy, but Carol Anne is in good hands, and that won't change when she passes away.